I am trying to make a doujin based on trauma. I have my own share of trauma, but I want my doujin to be about a girl, and being a guy, I have no idea what kind of trauma girls could suffer, so I need your help in telling me. I want her trauma to be on the level of Carrie, but minus the telekinesis. What do you think can be a good source of trauma? Maybe you are a girl and know firsthand, or maybe you knew a girl and know from association.

The short version of the doujin's story would go: a girl is born, grows up, and throughout her childhood, school, and adult life, she kept enduring trauma, and she ends up ending herself. Because of all the trauma, she had strongly suppressed sexual desires, and her dying regrets are (simply & modestly) how she never lived her life truly knowing what happiness and love was. After death, she meets the devil, who can offer her rebirth, to give her a chance to live a brand new life while keeping her sexual desires, but she won't remember anything else. I want her to live a new life, childhood, school life, and adult life exploring her sexual tendencies, but the ending will actually be her finding herself, and understanding self-love, inner-peace, and respect.

I will share my own trauma with you here, so maybe it can help turn the wheels in your head. I have no idea how much of my horny obsessions come from my past, and how much of myself is truly me, without influence from my past.

When I was little, I was often forced to perform oral sex on my cousin, let's call her Meanie, because she was mean. I never liked Meanie. She was older, and was mean to me, and kept taking away my toys. What made me finally cry was when she took away my stuffed bunny. That was the only toy I had left, and my mother never gave me any more toys after that. I performed oral sex on her so much that eventually I felt like I wanted to do it of my own accord, but I did it on two other cousins younger than me, instead of her, let's call them Jess & Sofia. I was not even in 3rd grade when this happened. With Sofia, we were taking a nap in her bedroom. For some reason, I woke up. Sofia was sleeping right beside me, and I pulled up her dress, pulled her panties down, and performed oral sex on her. I don't know if she realized what was happening, but maybe she did?? I was dumb and wasn't trying to do it discreetly. I did to her what Meanie usually made me do, and it made a lot of sounds. Sofia made these noises like she was just breathing, but was quite loud, and was slightly moving in her sleep, but I think she was still asleep. Sorry for that overly descriptive segment, but I think it's important for this next part. At one moment I felt strange, so I turned my head, and I saw my grandparents, her parents, and some uncle of mine watching us from the door. They must have heard something and came to check. They were smiling and let out a soft chuckle when our eyes met. I was so scared that they caught me, but they instead complimented me saying that I was such a good kid for looking after my younger cousin. Even at that age, I was confused. Like..why? They must have seen what I did, because they looked like they've been watching for a long time. And where I was lying in relation to where Sofia's legs were, there was no blocking that view. My family was kind of a cult. They would beat me, and they hired caretakers that would abuse me. One of them used to beat me badly when she fed me because I wasn't eating fast enough, so I kept swallowing my food and never chewed. I even swallowed large chunks of vegetables. She kept pouring something on my face, and I never knew what it was, and it always stung. One time I woke up from a nap because my face hurt so much, and I rubbed my eyes, and the skin around my eyes just peeled off like it was a membrane. I also had one caretaker I was very close with, and let's just call her Anna for the sake of this story. And I chose "Anna" because her real name rhymed with "Anna", and I always cried out her name in two syllables if I was hurt or if I wanted her with me, in this case it would be "AAAN - NAAAAA"~ . When I was older I was told that I kept clinging to Anna, and called out her name all the time, and would cry if she wasn't there. From the stories it seemed I really kept clinging on to her like a magnet and kept saying "aan-naaa~" even when she was already holding me in her arms. I don't remember it being that bad, but it might have been true, because my fragmented memories of her tell me that I loved her. Throughout the day she would play with me, and watched me closely when I would run in the garden. Every night she would giddily pull me by the arm to my room, so I could go to bed early, and she did that a lot, even when people came over at night. Which was fine with me because that meant I got to be in the dark, in my quiet room, where it was safe until morning. She used to hover her private parts on my face at night, to have me lick her, and made me suck on her breasts. She never forced me to do it a certain way like Meanie did. She bathed me, fed me, and watched over me so closely that I slowly forgot the fear I used to feel before Anna was around. Anna took care of me for about 2-3 years, and I think she only specifically audibly let out a "kiss it" or "lick it" at most maybe like 4-5 times. Sometimes she would hover her privates on my face for so long that I would fall asleep, and wake up some time later with her privates still on my face, and I would continue licking, because I thought that's what I was supposed to do. Sometimes I would fall asleep on Anna's privates when she was on her back and I'll wake up on my back again, with her touching my face again with her privates. She would also do things to mine, but I don't remember what. I don't remember ever looking at what she was doing down there, I just remember the sensation. Sometimes it would be a squeezing sort of sensation, sometimes it would be gentle touching/rubbing. She used to awkwardly move me around when she wanted me to suck on her breasts, like she couldn't quite get it right, and me being a kid in the dark I guess I just kept defaulting to wanting to sleep. Thinking back on it now, maybe it's because her breasts weren't large, and I was small & sleepy, so that made it difficult for her. That's the extent of what I could remember her doing to me, because I just don't remember that much of it, plus I kept sleeping throughout most of it. She would always watch me sleep, and would wake me up in the morning. I think she must have been a teenager, because she looked smaller and younger than my family members who were older-looking but were still in school. I was around 4-5 when Anna came, and she might have been somewhere between 15-20 from the old photos I've seen of us growing up together. My mother was never around. I might have seen my mother for a total of 5 days within an entire year. And as a little boy, I didn't know what a mother was supposed to be, who it was supposed to be, or what it even was. But Anna was the closest female I had that I loved that much, and I think I must have seen Anna as my mother. One morning I couldn't find Anna, and I cried really badly when my grandmother told me I wouldn't be seeing her again. For a short time after that, I kept seeing monsters in my room at night, and I would run out of my room to stand alone in the dark, because I didn't want the adults to find out I wasn't sleeping. One time...they hurt me, quite badly, and I was bleeding in my private parts. It hurt a lot, and my grandmother tried to keep me in bed as I struggled, but I remember crying out for Anna in pain, but she (of course) never came, until I got tired and fell asleep. And I'd like to say something to Anna: I don't know who you are, I don't know where you are, I don't know what you look like now, but I hope you are doing well, and I am very thankful for you watching over me when I was little. I don't know why a young girl like you was watching over me constantly for so long as a caretaker, when members of my family older than you were still in school. I hope that your life isn't rough right now. You were something I think I needed, when all I went through was caretakers that beat me one after another. I don't know if you feel bad for what you did. But I was fine with what you did, and you don't have to worry about feeling bad, if you ever did. I know this isn't directly addressed to you, but I hope my feelings reach you somehow and you don't stress yourself over it, or hopefully you will come to that conclusion yourself and have peace. I knew I was safe when you were there to watch over me, so thank you for that.

Not much changed from then on as I grew up. I grew up awkward and timid. My schoolmates would ask me to come play over at their house, or go out somewhere together, and I always refused. Around high school was when my mother was home more. I had to always go home immediately or my mother would berate me & hit me. She would beat me if she found out I made friends, because friends would influence me badly, and stray me away from god. My entire family was very religious, and forced religion on me and the other children. My grandfather acted like a sort of religious figurehead, and would start preaching about god for hours and hours to his children (my mother's generation) without warning at night, and he would berate them too. It was like a mini version of that Netflix show midnight mass. A part of me wants to call out the religion because of spite, but at this point I really think it isn't even that religion anymore, more like my grandparents and my entire family created their own religion and is obsessed over their own self-made beliefs.

I never knew my father. My mother always said he was a worthless man not worth mentioning. I never could learn anything about my father no matter how many times I asked. From all the info I could gather on my own by probing around throughout my entire life, my mother had me when she was overseas, and that my father was a foreigner. She came home pregnant and my father was never around. Who knows what the real story is. My mother wouldn't say, but I think I was an accident. She never said because I never asked, but because she kept deflecting whenever I did ask. Now that I'm an adult, I realize that my mother is the only person I know personally who is pure evil, without actually doing most of the evil deeds herself. She let all this happen. My grandfather would beat me and my boy cousins, and I don't know about my cousins, but I was beat for reasons that didn't happen, reasons she made up. Often I think it might be for some stupid, incomprehensible reason, like how I look different. My mother has very strong features, and she has very dark skin, but somehow I still look full white. Even my friends would look at photos of my father and say I look full western, just like him. I am resembling him even more now as I age. Since my grandfather got real old, his sons then became the ones beating me, because of things my mother told them. She would share sensitive photos and private information of me to her circle of friends & our entire family, to get them to berate me instead of doing it herself, for completely normal things, things that are none of their business, things that seemed wrong only to them. If she couldn't find out anything worth talking about regarding me, she would make up lies and spread that lie to everybody in our family. Even my close friends (now) know about my mother's behavior, because she has become that unhinged. Her neighborhood isn't talking to her. It seems even within my family, my mother is extraordinary, because now I see a rift forming between her and them. After uni, I found work, rented an apartment and moved out, but she managed to find out where I lived through mutual connections. So she would occasionally visit me with her brothers and they would beat me. She would also mail me rotting food, and mail me letters filled with things I have never seen people would say, like things not even villains in movies would say. I have since moved out again, somewhere far, and no one in my family will ever find me. I feel at peace here. Maybe I wasn't alone in my suffering when I was little. Most of my cousins are girls, only a handful of them are boys, and I don't know what they went through. But I have a suspicion that for Sofia, I think it would make sense to assume she might have had at least suspicious parents...right?? Otherwise, why would they smile & compliment me when they caught me performing oral sex on their own daughter, while I'm her cousin? Why was Sofia having that kind of reaction when I was doing it to her? Isn't that weird? I am sorry to Sofia, and Jess...although Jess wasn't asleep, and she wanted me to do it. Jess was always clinging on to me, like literally just holding on and not letting go, to the point where I had to pull her with me if I wanted to walk. She never got tired of that routine, meanwhile I was always annoyed at it. Thinking back on it now, I should have probably held her close to me at all times. Maybe she needed it. I didn't realize it back then as a little boy. I'm sorry Jess. She always seemed like she had an incomprehensible + satire-level crush on me, even her parents would force the idea on us, like...they kept telling it to us a certain way, but I'll just translate it to "be together" for the sake of you guys reading. Sofia & Jess were awesome cousins as we grew up together. I never told Sofia what I did, I never found the courage. We got super close, but I never told them what happened to me. Sometimes they would find out on their own and look shocked. Eventually our family's treatment pressured us so much that it made us go quiet. At this point my mind was super dark and stressed out, like I felt suffocated, and I have had enough of it all that I managed to completely cut all ties with my family, and Sofia & Jess were also on their way to doing the same thing at the time. I haven't spoken with them in years. Last time I spoke with them I talked about how I successfully cut ties with our family, and they wanted to know all the things I did to make that possible. Sofia & Jess...actually now have fucked up fathers. Not that they did anything to those girls, but more like they are just....weird now, like the kind you would think only possible if they had mental issues. One of them would leave for hours and hours just sitting in a public house of worship, doing nothing, during weird times, like when dinner is about to be served, or when he was supposed to take Jess to school in the morning, or when guests are about to arrive. One time he picked me up when I was in uni because he wanted to bring me to his house, but he pulled over for like half an hour and didn't say a word, he just stared into nothing, until the police came and told him to move. One of my boy cousins around this time also started to act 'weird', he was maybe 16?? He would shout the name of god for no reason, very very loudly, over and over. He did that often, idk why, but it seemed like his version of rebelling in a way he thinks would sound obvious of what he's rebelling about. Yeah...I guess the point is, I have a fucked up family, and they treat each other like shit. Now I am seeing the fallout of a cult crumbling apart. I love my cousins, but sadly I can never rebuild that bond unless at least my mother or my grandparents die. I feel like I lived the first 2 decades of my life not being myself, like it was all a lie. To this day I am still seeing old photos and they mean something new. I am sad how I remember the shape of Anna's p***y, her legs, her breasts, but I can't remember her face. And how I remember crying out her name to look for her, but not the things she talked about. If I try to imagine her p***y on my face as I'm lying down, and I look up at her face mentally, it's all just a dark blur. I do remember her hair though, and how it draped over me when she was holding me. I see her face in photos but I don't recognize her. Sometimes I remember vivid memories I never knew I had of her and it hurts. I am still trying to undo the conditioning I went through and trying to be someone new. How new friends I make now treat me so nicely can still seem like a (nice) surprise, I guess because I'm still not used to the kindness of others now that I'm opening myself up more. They get surprised when they learn something new about me like how I don't know how certain foods taste, or know what certain things are, even though they are supposed to be such common things or notions people here would normally just already know. I don't think I will ever forget about Anna. I think I will cry if I find out Anna died, but not if my mother dies. If I don't cry when my own grandparents and mother die, what does that make me? I'm afraid to find out when that day comes. If I could see Anna again, I would tell her I loved her, and I don't know if I felt this way about her when I was little, but as I grew up without her, I realized I loved her romantically too. So it would be great if she could just tell me now that I'm stupid and to move on so I can forget. But maybe this sense of longing is something I can never let go. What am I? am I an orphan? Where is my father? Why is my own mother treating me like an enemy? Why does my own family treat me like this? What did I ever do to them that was so wrong? I have never told anyone about what my family is like. Whatever people know is because my family did it themselves. I meet my friends' families but they treat each other so kindly. Why do I miss a girl too young to be my mom and too old to be mine? Why couldn't we have just met when I was older? Why was she so kind to me while my family was so mean? Am I looking for a mother figure? Do I even need one? I've survived so far just fine, so why do I want to see Anna again? She abused me, but why do I not see it that way? I get that she was horny, but I was a kid, but then why did my own family do what they did to me, who was a kid? Why did I think it was okay if Anna was the one doing it, but not when it's my family? What's wrong with me? Did I do everything Anna wanted because I wanted to do it for Anna? or was it because Meanie brainwashed me into liking it? Is a kid already confused about that wrong? I can't even think of anything else to say to her other than endlessly saying I love you, and thank you. I'm not even hoping for Anna to be my anything. I just feel like I need to express my feelings to her somehow, but she just isn't there. There is no place for these feelings to go, and it's driving me nuts. Maybe all I want is to share all this with her because she is the only one left that could possibly understand, because she was the one who was there. How many bad memories will I keep remembering about my family? Am I trying to grief for my past and I don't want to face it alone? Is that why I want Anna? I wish she told me something before she left. I wish I saw her leave. I feel so lost. Please be well Anna. I wish you all the best. I hope you are happy. If I ever meet you in my next life, I will be sure to thank you for taking care of me, and tell you that I love you. Thanks to you being there, no one hurt me.

In the beninging.

nhentai.net/language/english/

Has basically everything.

I’m surprised this did not end with a rickroll or some kind of troll. Please find an outlet besides the internet so you don’t get insulted by assholes. You seem like you’re on the verge of an existential breakdown.

if you're gonna write that much learn how to use paragraphs properly good lord

Op I don't wanna be rude and I don't know if your actually serious or trolling but I highly advise u see a therapist

Sorry if that sounded like I was having a breakdown ^^'' Well..maybe it is a breakdown, but just not to me. I promise I'm okay.

I urge you to talk to someone irl either way, you never know how these events has affected you as an individual and I'd hate to see your mental health hit the shitter.

Yh I agree with undeaddragon op like u say your fine but after reading what you typed it sounds like a call for help

Y'know... I want to be sympathetic in the small chance that stuff actually happened, and if this is an actual cry for help....

.....But good fucking lord man, hentai spots just attract some of the biggest fucking weirdos.

If whatever it is you're yapping about actually happened, I'm compelled to say that I'm sorry that happened to you, but this is one hell of batshit insane way to go about it.

Log off, seek therapy, go to an actual place that deals with trauma. You can do a lot better than just schizo hornyposting on a hentai forum.